Crush Communication Complications in 4 Steps

Crush Communication Complications

Have you ever said something small and trivial to someone and they reacted furiously? As Communication Modelthey stormed out the door, you wondered what was wrong with them?

You somehow pushed their buttons and you’ve no idea why.

What you said meant something specific to them – only you don’t know what the meaning was.

Model of Mind

The Model of Mind, brought to us by Richard Bandler and John Grinder, explains that this happens because of the way we process information.

We take in around 2 million bits of information per second (bps)  – through our senses.

Our brain can only process about 138 bps.

What happens to the rest of the information?

The brain filters it out. Only the important stuff (according to our filters) is absorbed. We get an internal picture (brown polygon in the diagram). This internal picture is a representation of the meaning we make of the external event (the Star in the diagram).

Filters are like a standard measure. If the external event fits into your standards – the internal picture will be a positive one. If the external event is not acceptable, the internal picture will represent that.

The external event and the internal picture are TOTALLY different!

On top of this – my internal picture and your internal picture are also different – even when we are looking at the same event.

This is why communication is so difficult!

So when he finally pops the question – your internal picture is of you sinking in his arms. His internal picture is of you with your arms in his sink.

Once the internal picture is established in the brain, you react emotionally  (STATE in the diagram). It shows on your face and body (PHYSIOLOGY in the diagram) and then you behave in a certain way (BEHAVIOR in the diagram).

Communication is Complicated because only the external event, your physiology  and your behavior are visible to others. The filters, the internal picture and  your state are not visible.

How do we Crush Communication Complications?

You talk about the filters, the internal picture and the state and how they link to the external event and your behavior.

For example: When you sit on the couch instead of helping me, I feel angry and frustrated because in my family my Dad always helped, and then I withdraw and don’t talk to you.

Of course you can use it for positive communication as well: When you notice I’m down I feel cherished because that means you care and then I want to hug you.

Here are the 4 steps to crushing complications:

1) When You… :  Here you briefly describe the external event. Don’t belabor the point. It’s more important to spend time on the internal events – the picture, the filters and the emotional state.

2) I Feel…: There are over 400 words in English to describe feelings. Become aware and excellent at naming your feelings.

3) Because…: Here you talk about what the external event means to you. This may describe the filter or the internal picture. The meaning you make of it talks to whether the internal event is acceptable to you or not.

4) Then I…: Here you describe how you behave in reaction to the meaning you make of the external event.

When you do this, the other person is much more likely to understand you.

To understand the other person, you ask questions that will give you information about their internal picture, state and filters.



All it takes is practice.

Don’t wait until something hectic is going on, rather practice on simple, every day things.

This way when you need it , you’ll be able to Crush Communication Complications.

Let me know how it goes!

The single biggest problem in communication
is the illusion that it has taken place.
George Bernard Shaw

Posted in Communication, Life Mastery, Relationships | 4 Comments

Is it possible NOT to judge?

9899550114_40ce47aa69_zThe answer is NO.

It is impossible not to judge. We do it unconsciously all day every day. The process is instantaneous and usually unconscious. We are not even aware that we are judging.

Let’s look at how this happens:

  1. An event occurs (someone does or says something)
  2. We compare the event to our standards for how the world is supposed to be. We arrive at a positive or a negative assessment – they event is OK or its NOT OK.
  3. We experience an emotion that matches our assessment/ judgement.
  4. We act out according to the emotion we experienced.

The first three steps happen almost instantaneously. We have very little, if any,  control over this process.

Often step 4 will occur without much consideration on our part unless we are quite advanced in managing our emotions and reactions.

So when someone says “I am not judging you” what they actually mean is they are going to carefully choose how they  react to the judgement they have made of you.

What are the benefits of being non-judgmental?

Harsh judgements destroy relationships. Coming across as non-judgmental helps build relationships and contributes to solving problems.

Think about it – if you feel judged by someone, you will go into defense mode, attack mode or withdrawal mode. None of these are actually constructive.

This is why its important to be able to come across as non-judgmental.

There’s no one better than kids to teach you these lessons, don’t you agree? In my experience, coming across as non-judgmental works way better when dealing with kids.

This doesn’t mean the judgements don’t happen. When one of my kids tell me about the parties and fun they had on a weekend, my judgement is that they should be doing varsity work rather. I could nag and yell at them but I know this will be destructive. I choose to tell them I’m happy they are having fun. The amazing things is they get their work done and achieve good results at varsity.

How can you come across as NON-judgmental?

First – be aware of your judgement. Start noticing your assessments of situations and the matching emotions that you experience.

Second – choose how you react in response to your judgement. Put some space between the event and your reaction to give yourself some thinking-time.  Are your standards in this situation appropriate? Are your standards in this case  non-negotiable or can you bring some flexibility into the picture. How can you react in a way that is constructive rather than destructive?  Understand that the other person may have a different set of standards to you. What do you want to achieve by your response to the situation?

Third – watch your language. If you find the event unacceptable, express this by saying “I feel really upset by that behavior because … ” rather than by saying “You are a bad person”.  By taking the first option you are opening up the conversation and giving the other person space to consider their actions. The last option will shut down the conversation because the person will be feeling judged.

While it may be impossible to NOT judge, it is very possible  to build strong relationships by coming across as non-judgemental.

All you have to do is be aware and practice.

Photo from Flickr

Don’t judge someone just because
they sin differently to you.












Jurdgements are emotions reside in the body. We are emotional beings . Our emotionas are slipt-second reactions to an event. the emotions we experience in reaction to an event is our reflection of our judgements of the event. Does this fit into my standards? or even my social-cultural standards? This happens in a split second. Mostl y we are not even aware of it.


any event , at any moment is assessed throgh a filter and an emotiona is felt. the action that we choose to take depends on the emotion that we exerienced.


sp no – i believe jjudgement  is part of our nature. we do it all the time, wth any piece of info/ event that comes across. think bout an emeial. damn this is irritating, now i have to do this. judgement – irritating mail.


comes down to whether what we re observing is going to help us do the things that are important ot us or not.

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How to shift from self-criticism to self-analysis

13943406256_f7af373762_zI do it from time to time. You probably do it from time to time. We all do it from time to time.

Indulge in self-criticism.

It’s not serving you nor I very well.

Self-criticism tends to be destructive.

A more constructive option is to conduct self-analysis.

What is the difference?


Self-criticism tends to happen under the veil of negative emotions like despondency, hatred or disgust.

When you’re criticizing, you don’t look for the things that are right and working in yourself, you look only at the negative aspects – this in turn makes you feel even worse.

Problem-solving or working on the issues is not part of this process.

Your self-image is one-sided and rather dark – containing only the bad, wrong, difficult parts of your character.

Your self-worth is diminished and your self-esteem is destroyed.

You speak to yourself very harshly, perhaps swearing and name-calling.

The negative emotions you experience become even stronger.

You think of yourself with hatred and contempt.


Self-analysis on the other hand is about accepting and understanding yourself.

Your emotions tend to be neutral when you self-analyze.

You acknowledge the things that you are doing well and that are working in your life.

You notice the things that not right and not working. Here’s the key – you then work out some steps you can take to fix/improve those items.

Your self-image is balanced and realistic.

You value yourself and understand your self-worth.

Your self-esteem is stable and strong.

You speak to yourself in an encouraging way.

The purpose of self-analysis is to help you be the very best that you can be.

You think of yourself with love and compassion.

Note that self-analysis is not self-inflation.

When you indulge in self-inflation (to hide a dreadful self-image) you only notice the best of yourself and you see those characteristics as even better that they are in reality. You also deny any failings. Your self-image glitters. Your self-worth is inflated. You think of yourself with arrogance and superiority.

You put these three things on a scale.

Self-criticism is on one end, self-inflation is on the other end, and self-analysis balances neatly in the middle.

Where on the scale do you lie?

What can you do to move more towards the middle?

Because self-criticism and self-inflation are activities that we have taught ourselves, this implies that we can also teach ourselves the more constructive option of self-analysis.

3 Steps to Self-Analysis

1. Observe:

  • Observe your way of being in the world. When that self-talk is happening in your head, what kind of language are you using? Are you calling yourself names? Do you swear at yourself?
  • Notice the emotions you are experiencing at the time. Are you observing yourself with contempt or compassion?
  • How are you holding your body when you engage in self-talk? If it’s all negative you’ll find your body is slumped over. If the self-talk is constructive you find your body is straight, shoulders back.

2. Document:

  • Write down what you have observed so that you can track your progress over time. Take some deep breaths and get yourself into a calm and neutral space. Now write about what you are doing that is working? What characteristics you have that serve you well. Put some effort into this part.
  •  Now look at what is not working about your way of being in the world. NOTE – only focus on two items, not more. If you list 100 things here, you’re slipping back into self-criticism. Now write down what you can do to improve these two things. Do you need to get help from someone to assist you in improving these aspects?
  • Support yourself if necessary by getting help from a coach or mentor. Go to therapy to sort out past issues. Find out where you can learn a new skill if that’s what’s needed. Remember- there is always a way to improve – find it. Write down some action steps you can take to improve.
  •  Finish off by jotting down what you love best about yourself and the life you have created.

3. Implement:

No action, no change! If you don’t take any action, nothing will change. Implement your action plan.

Repeat these steps on a regular basis.

Soon you will find yourself moving towards balanced, constructive self-analysis.

This will help you to learn, grow and develop into the very best that you can be.

“Self-care is never a selfish act
—it is simply good stewardship
of the only gift I have,
the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”
Parker Palmer

 Photo from


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Long’s Suggestions for Long-Lasting Relationships

Long-lasting relationships are the stuff of fairy-tales. Married-ever after! This is how the fairy-tale ends and no thought is given to the years that follow and to HOW you actually manage this.

I did a speech at Toastmasters the other day giving some suggestions for long-lasting relationships. Some background about the speech: I entered the speech in a club humorous contest. Because my surname is Long and we’ve been married a long time I decided to bring the humour in by using the word LONG is as many ways as possible. Despite the humour, the underlying message is serious.



Posted in Communication, Lessons, Life Mastery, Relationships | 7 Comments

Warning: Assassination Ruins Relationships

Relationships Die One Sentence at a Time.

216594524_44b8d124f2_z (2)When you are unhappy about something your partner does the words that come out of your mouth are crucial.

Look at the difference between these two sentences:

  1. “I don’t like it when you leave your dirty clothes all over the bedroom.”
  2. “You are such a slob. You might like living in a pig-sty but I don’t.”

Complaining Vs Character-Assassination.

The first sentence is a complaint.

The second sentence is a character-assassination.

The first sentence deals with the problem.

The second sentence doesn’t deal with the problem at all – in fact the person you are addressing may have no idea what you’re getting at – and they’re certainly not going to make an effort to change. Would you?

If you are assassinating your partner’s character on a regular basis, you can be sure of two things:

Deal Decently with Issues

Before you lash out next time, use the guidelines below to tackle the issue:

  • Identify one issue to talk about. Only one. Let me repeat that: tackle only one issue at a time.
  • Focus on the behaviour not your partner’s character.
  • Plan how you will say it. Begin the sentence with I and not You. “I don’t like the way you spill toothpaste all over the basin.” or “I feel so upset when you expect me to clean up the mess after you’ve cooked”  OR “I feel exhausted after all these visitors; I’d appreciate some help cleaning up and then we can both relax together.”
  • Practice your sentence mentally a few times.
  • When you are calm, deliver your sentence to your partner. Now BE QUIET. Allow your partner to digest and respond.

Getting into the habit of dealing with problems this way allows for better communication and stronger relationships.

Practice Every Day

Start with small issues and practice every day. This way when you need to deal with something big it will come more naturally.

Lastly, don’t forget to verbally appreciate when changes happen.

Criticism, like rain,
should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth
without destroying his roots.

 Frank A. Clark

 Photo by Martin Stabenfeldt


Posted in Life Mastery | 6 Comments

13 Sailing Lessons for Ladies

ourYachtSailing the Adriatic Sea was an awesome adventure.

In honour of Woman’s Day I thought I’d share some lessons  learnt – from a woman’s perspective.

Sailing Lessons for Ladies

1. Take an experienced sailor with you. Look, if you go during the European summer its mostly blue skies and sun and light winds (or none) BUT on the day of the storm it’s really useful to have someone take the lead and shout instructions. By the way – you can hire a sailor but if I were you I’d ask for pictures and interview him first!

2. Take a fan rather than fake a tan. (sorry!) You’re going to go brown quickly – the sun just doesn’t seem as fierce as our African sun. It’s also going to be hot and humid – fine when you’re on the yacht but when in enclosed spaces the fan is great – and no-one will know you so it doesn’t matter if they see you fanning yourself like an old lady!

3. Take less stuff. We hired a catamaran.  It’s a little bit like a caravan on water. The bunks are tiny. The cupboards are smaller. The shower is in the same square meter as the toilet. Before we left I packed my suitcase – then took some stuff out. I should have taken out more. There is very little space to put stuff and you don’t really need much.

4. Put the toilet paper away when you shower. See point 3. No matter how careful you are, the hand-help shower IS going to soak the toilet paper. On that point – use as little toilet paper as possible – blocked pipes on a yacht are no fun.

5. Choose your friends carefully. See point 3 again.  You’re going to be spending a lot of time in a confined space with the same people for an extended period of time. Make sure you all get on well and work as a team.

6. Hire a bigger yacht than you need if you can afford it. See point 3 again! We put all our suitcases, snorkeling equipment, spare drinks, fishing stuff and anything else that would not fit in our rooms/ kitchen in the spare berth. Very useful!

7. Don’t hold rigidly onto your plans. Be flexible. Be very flexible. We spent much time before we left plotting our route and deciding which were the best islands to visit. None of it worked out. We made new plans every day and every day was completely different to what we had planned.  That’s OK. We still had loads of fun and incredible experiences.

8. Fly your flag. We proudly  flew a South African flag on our yacht. In one port someone wandered over to chat to us – they had recognized our flag. Next minute our yacht was invaded by about 20 people (from different countries) – they bought drinks and food, we shared our drinks and food –  and  good party ensued. Such fun!

9. Shop at the markets. The old cities are beautiful and full of tourist shops. You will find that the market across the street carries the same tourist stuff at much cheaper rates.

10. Anchor in quiet ports and catch the water taxi to the parties on neighboring islands. That’s if you want your beauty sleep! In the busy ports the music blares out from various venues for most of the night. Great if you want to party, not if you want to sleep.

11. Go on a cooking course.  Our cooking teacher took us to the local fish and veggie market and showed us what was what – then she taught us to cook some local dishes. Apart from being useful, it was a loads of fun.

12. Beware of the schnapps. Most restaurants offer patrons a free glass of schnapps after the meal. There’s a reason it’s free!

13. There will always be greater and lesser yachts than yours. One local we were chatting to had a beautiful yacht – much bigger and better than ours. As we were chatting a huge, sleek, sophistical yacht sailed into the harbour. He looked in envy and said, “No matter how much you spend on your yacht, there’s always someone richer with a bigger yacht”. Just like life!

I firmly believe that new experiences contribute to a full and rich life. I am so glad we decided to try a sailing holiday – it turned out to be a huge adventure.

Always say YES to new experiences!

How about sharing the lessons you have learnt from some of your new experiences?

“Twenty years from now,
you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn’t do
than those you did.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from safe harbor.
Catch the wind in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.”
Mark Twain

Posted in Choices, Lessons | 3 Comments

Something’s Gotta Give

nickKeatThe stories you tell yourself about yourself have the ultimate impact on the way your life unfolds.

The movie Something’s Gotta Give illustrates this so beautifully.

Harry (Jack Nicholson) is a perennial bachelor who only dates women under thirty. Erica (Diane Keaton) is a successful, divorced playwright – and way over Harry’s thirty year old limit. Harry and his latest fling, who happens to be Erica’s daughter, go off to Erica’s beach house for a romantic weekend. At the beach house Harry experiences severe chest pains and Erica reluctantly agrees to nurse him back to health.

Naturally (after all this is a rom-com), Harry and Erica fall in love.

Once Harry recovers he returns to his previous bachelor life. Only now he keeps thinking of Erica. They start chatting over the Internet.

This is where you see the huge power of Harry’s story which is that he is a bachelor who has brief relationships with young, gorgeous women.

Almost without thinking, Harry types the words “I miss you” onto his screen. He about to hit send, when he hesitates.

You get a sense of his inner turmoilI don’t do this. This is not me. I don’t DO relationships. Commitment is not my game.

The story wins….

Slowly he backspaces until the message is deleted. The relationship fades away.

Harry’s story prevented him from living authentically, from following his true feelings and from experiencing love and contentment in a relationship that he craved.

What about you?

When you say/ think things like “I’m the kind of person who …..” Or ” That’s not me – I’m more like …. ” then ask yourself the following:

Spend time reflecting on how your story impacts your life.

So what happened to Harry and Erica?

You’ve probably seen the movie – it’s almost a classic! So you know the answer.

If not …. Settle on the couch with some popcorn and a blanket …. And enjoy.

Change your thoughts
and you change your world.

Norman Vincent Peale

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Perspectives from Prison


I’ve always worried about whether I should tell my story to the prisoners that I work with, or not. The team leader is adamant that I must. And so I do.

Last week I realized the value of sharing this story.

I guess I’ve been worried that the prisoners may think I’m telling my story to make them feel guilty or bad. This is not my intention.

To put this in context: I give a workshop on journaling, which is the first workshop that is part of a greater 20-week rehabilitation program, called Heartwork.

There are many uses for journaling.

Amongst them is using the journal to process a traumatic event.

I share the story of my armed robbery to illustrate how I used the trauma journal to heal and move on.

I told this story at Boksburg prison last Wednesday.

The prisoners participated, engaged with the content, and asked so many questions, we eventually had to stop and tell them they could speak to me individually during the tea break.

One man came up to me. He towered above me as he gently shook my hand.

“Miss Kirsty”, he said. “I am so sorry about what happened to you. We do this to other people, but we don’t know what it’s like on the other side. I apologize on behalf of the man who did this to you.”

I have to admit to feeling a little teary-eyed in that moment.

I realized then that the value add here was that this man was able to see things from another perspective. As soon as we are able to do that, we are able to see a bigger picture, to experience empathy, and to have better  insight and understanding of people, situations and life itself.

I have coached many people who have had ‘aha’ moments when looking a situations from another perspective. The ability to do this indicates a certain level of emotional intelligence. The deep understanding one gains from being able to see things from another perspective allows for better decision making and ultimately life mastery.

If there are situations in your life where you are struggling, look at it from a different perspective. What do you think is going on for the other person? What are their views and struggles? What can you learn from looking through their eyes? What action can you take now that adds value to everyone involved?

I’m sitting in my car writing this post. I’m parked outside Groenpunt prison in Vereeniging. It’s a sunny zero degrees outside. In a little while I’ll be talking to these prisoners about journaling. I’ll tell my story again. I wonder what the reaction will be like today….

The only thing you sometimes
have control over
is perspective.
You don’t have control over your situation.
But you have a choice about how you view it.

Chris Pine

Photo from

Posted in Life Mastery | 8 Comments

How long are you going to tolerate this?

I’d had enough.

This was two years ago.  I could no longer put up with a messy bathroom. So I got stuck in on Saturday  emptied the cupboards, threw away old medicine and cosmetics, sorted and cleaned.

Then I visited my favourite shop and bought a whole lot of pretty coloured plastic baskets in varying sizes.

The next morning I completed the task and the whole bathroom was more functional, and certainly more tidy.

Now we could actually find the things we were looking for!

As the weeks went by, I realized there was still one thing that was not working in my bathroom.

I has a basket for my face cleaner, creams and serums. Because some of the bottles were tall and thin, every time I took the basket out of the cupboard (which was twice a day), the bottles would topple over. I’d patiently put them upright, and then get on with the business of looking after my face. (as one does!)

Twice a day, for about a year, I would feel irritated every time I did my face (not such a good thing!).  How many times I had thought, “This is so irritating“, I have no idea.

Into the second year I started thinking “This is so irritating. I must sort it out“.

I hate to admit this, but it carried on far at least another year!

What I was doing, was tolerating a little thing that could easily be fixed. I was also wasting time and energy thinking about it on a very regular basis. On top of this I was experiencing negative energy because of it.

Sounds stupid, doesn’t it?

Yet, it is so easy to do.

When I start coaching a new client  one of the tasks that I set for them  is “List 5 things that you are tolerating“. Believe me, I am not the only one out there who is tolerating something that could easily be fixed.

Of course – there is a wide variety of things we do tolerate – from bad relationships, health problems, physical environment, being stuck and more. The more we are putting up with – the more it affects our emotional health.

One of the easiest and quickest ways to start shifting this is to fix the easy things that we are tolerating. Quite simple really – you just have to be aware and make a decision to change things.

Last Wednesday my irritation rallied as I, once again, took my basket out of the cupboard and all the bottles crashed as I lifted it to the bathroom counter. I walked straight out the room, went a fetched a pretty box that was lying around doing nothing. It fitted beautifully into my basket. Problem sorted. So easy.

What has surprised me is how much relief I now feel every time I do my face.

I’m trying very hard not to get irritated with myself for taking so long to sort it out!

Here’s a mid-year challenge for you:

  • List ten things that you are tolerating.
  • Choose 3 that are easy to fix.
  • Get those 3 things sorted this week.
  • Notice what shifts once you have sorted these things out.

I’m going to do the same.

Let me know how it goes.


You get what you tolerate.

John G Agno






Posted in awareness, Choices, Life Mastery | 1 Comment

The Big “F” Word

6321349925_8026e8f313_zHave you ever been tempted to blame your past for your current status?

Its such an easy trap to fall into. Yet, it dis-empowers.

One way to get around this is to look to others who have managed to overcome disastrous childhoods and to learn how they did it.

Image from Flickr

This story by Meryl  is more inspiring than most.

I am really excited to introduce you to a most inspiring person. She has given me permission to share her story. Meryl gave a speech at Toastmasters about her life’s journey entitled “The Big F Word”

Despite her childhood she is plain awesome.

Thanks you so much to Meryl for giving me permission to share her story – and for the wisdom offered in the three steps to overcome a lousy childhood.

We are honored, we are inspired and we are privileged to hear your story.

 I knew that if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind,

I would still be in prison.

Nelson Mandela



Posted in awareness, Choices, forgiveness, Happiness, Life Mastery | 1 Comment