The rewards of setting and achieving goals are not what you think.

When I made a decision to study Applied Life Coaching in 2004, my goal (obviously!) was to pass. I would day dream about doing really well (I did) and about leaving teaching (I did) and about working from home (I did).

True, there is joy in having achieved my goal. I can tick it off my list. I can say it’s done. I can live the way I planned.

(An aside: much of this is thanks to the support of my husband – thanks my darling!!)

My story supports the common belief that when you set and achieve goals you will be happy. This is seen as the ultimate value of goal setting.

True – It is a value, but it’s not the ultimate one.

When I compare Kirsten before Studying and Kirsten after Studying there is quite a difference.

Herein lies the true value of setting and achieving goals.

It’s about who you become on the journey to achieving your goals.

I learnt, and am still learning, a great deal on my coaching journey about people, about relationships and about human emotions. The biggest learning for me, however, has been in understanding myself. My awareness of my inner state and the affect that has on me and others has allowed me to view myself and others in a more empathetic light. I am also aware that I am still on this journey! There is always more. More to understand and learn…

Who you become on your journey to achieving a goal is the ultimate value in goal-setting.

Working on achieving a goal allows you to grow as a person.

Amongst other things you’ll probably acquire self-discipline, knowledge, new skills, wisdom, and courage and so on. These rewards are the ultimate ones.

Working towards a goal is not so much about the destination, but more about who you become. That is priceless!

WATCH THIS SPACE: Erich Viedge, a leadership guru, and I are hosting a mid-year success accelerator. Let us work with you so that you can move more effectively toward your goals and becoming the person you are meant to be. More details coming soon.

The virtue lies in the struggle, not in the prize.

Richard Monckton Milnes

One of the things I hate most is walking into a crowded room. If I know a few people, it’s half OK. If its a room full of strangers my anxiety levels rise sky high.

 Anyone else out there like me?

 In his book “The new psycho-cybernetics”, Maxwell Maltz says that “excessive concern over what other people think inhibits personality more than any other factor.”

 When I walk into a room of strangers I become excessively self-conscious. I’m convinced that everyone, EVERYONE, is looking at me, judging me, disliking me, wishing I wasn’t there.

 The silly fact is that most people are worrying about the same thing – they’re too busy worrying about themselves being judged that they won’t really notice you.

 Feeling self-conscious and shy is uncomfortable. Most people hate feeling like that.

What’s more serious, is that when you are feeling self-conscious, you do not behave like your ‘normal’ self. You may speak more softly, or not contribute to a conversation at all. You may keep your opinions to yourself. You may giggle instead up laughing heartily.

Being self-conscious inhibits your authenticity.

How do you overcome this? The answer that people hate to hear:  With practice and determination. (No magic pills here!)

Here are some of the things that have worked for me:

• Always arrive at a function early. It’s easier to strike up a conversation with one other person than facing a room full of people and wondering who to talk to.
• Turn your focus outwards. Instead of worrying about what people are thinking of you, and imagining that they’re all looking at you, focus on others. Who is looking uncomfortable? Go and speak to them and see how soon you can bring a smile to their faces.
• Spend some time imagining whats its like in a social situation with friends you enjoy. Focus on letting that feeling wash over you as you walk into a uncomfortable situation.
• Remind yourself that we tend to believe that other people think about us far more than they actually do. It doesn’t matter what other people believe about you. What YOU believe about YOU is far more important.
• When you notice that you are feeling self-conscious, focus on someone else. Ask them a question. Pay them a sincere compliment. Become more interested in the other than in yourself.
• Focus on truly listening to other people. When you are feeling self-conscious you barely hear what the other is saying, and spend time formulating your next response so that you make a good impression. Drop this technique, and focus on listening to the other person.

What are the kinds of things you’ve tried that have helped?

Overcoming self-consciousness is possible. You have to decide, then practice different techniques, until you find something that works for you.

You’ll know when you’re getting it right because you’ll behave authentically in difficult social situations – and you’ll feel better.

 photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/timparkinson/4326736085/sizes/n/in/photostream/

There are many tools and techniques out there that help with stress.

They all work (if you do them)…

However, one technique is essential. I wrote an article about it for All4Woman.

Read about it here.

Like most things, you have to practice this technique. It’s worth it!

“There is more to life than increasing its speed.”

Mohandas K. Gandhi

Photo http://www.flickr.com/photos/22964099@N05/2204059683/

Thanks for sharing. I know there’s wisdom out there amongst my followers and subscribers. This way we’ll all learn.

If you’d like to share yours, add a comment below, or mail me on kirsten@coach4life.co.za

Dear Kirsten,

Very briefly, my Top Stress Busting Tips:

1. Five-minute meditation.
2. Breathing. There is a special technique. It is called Pranayaam. I will describe it on a separate e mail.
3. Waking up at 4:00 a.m., drinking 4 glasses of water, breathing, meditating, thereafter going out for a walk.
4. Yoga.

Kind regards, Vasudev Popatlal

Hi Kirsten
My tip would be meditation along with prayer and faith. It works every single time.

Sophia Ramautar

I feel that no matter how difficult a situation, it inadvertently builds stress – my handling mechanism is as follows :

• Assess what actually is stressful (practical or emotional) – take a strong focus into dealing with what you have/do for that moment (present) as this inevitably will dictate your future.
• Do not dwell into the past as these weave into the present  – Negate the past as nothing can/will change it regardless of time and effort.
• Do not concentrate/focus on the future as the present will eventually take its course and embrace the future.

However, the best result will always be a successful future.

Kind Regards,  Delaine Manuel

Also see comments from the previous post.

 Do you make a conscious effort to reduce your stress levels?

OR

Are you one of those people who keep talking about how stressed they are,  and yet do nothing to alleviate the stress.

Managing your stress levels means only one thing: taking some action that will help you to feel relaxed.

It’s not that difficult because you probably have a pretty good idea of what will relax you. The difficulty is making a decision to do that thing!

The first place to start is awareness. Often we get so busy and harassed that we don’t notice how our levels of stress are building.

Your stress is carried in your body. Stop once or twice a day. Scan your body for signs of stress. Notice your breathing – is it shallow and quick or deep and satisfying? How do your shoulders feel? Your neck? You back? Whats happening in your stomach area? Any signs of anxiety?

My stress is always in my shoulders and neck. As soon as those get very tight I know it’s time to consciously chill out a bit.

If your stress levels are high, decide what you can do to relax. Build a repertoire of things that’ll work for you – include actions that are short, as well as long.

These could include: sipping a cup of tea with your brain in neutral; going for a brisk walk, calling a friend, doing breathing exercises; having a massage; listening to music; gym etc etc.

Here are my top 3 stress-busting exercises:

1. 5 Minute Meditation: This gets me into a very calm space – mentally, physically and emotionally.
2. A Good Nights Sleep: I have found that my bedtime routine is hugely important. No technology AT ALL for two hours before bed. Sitting and chatting with my husband after dinner, listening to music. Getting into bed at a reasonable hour and reading a novel – a real book – with paper pages that turn! When I do this, I sleep well. When I ‘play’ on my ipad for a few hours and then go straight to bed, invariably my mind is so active that I sleep very badly.
3. Regular Massages: I know this works for me – and I’m not that good at doing it. I tend to wait until my back and shoulders are in a real mess, then I go for a massage. This is something I am still working on getting right…. (Sometimes it helps to blog – I have just sent a message to enquire about getting a sports massage!)

What works for you? You’ll know best what relaxes you.

Write down a list – keep it on your phone. Use the shorter ones at regular intervals during the day, and plan to do at least one of the longer activities once a week.

YOU are the only one who can manage your stress levels.

Are you going to take responsibility for your own welfare and do what it takes to be more relaxed?

One of the symptoms

of an approaching nervous breakdown

is the belief

that one’s work is terribly important.
Bertrand Russell

Who gets the best?

Who gets the worst?

Perhaps your work days are a little like Craig’s day was yesterday.  He got up early and rushed to work. There were meetings and problems and difficulties. There were laughs and solutions and disciplined reactions. He drank coffee and ate food on the run. He worked long hours. He felt depleted, emotionally and physically, when he finally left the office. Now he had to battle through the traffic.

As he walked through the door of his home, the kids rushed to him and his wife asked him to do something. He exploded.

“Can’t you just give me 10 minutes to settle in?”

The evening was miserable. He was grumpy and irritated. All he wanted was to be left alone and everyone wanted a bit of him. He went to bed feeling frustrated. His sleep was disturbed with a niggling discomfort.

Who got the best of Craig? His work ? His family?

Last night a man called Kazik gave a touching speech at Toastmasters. It was called “Flowers Cannot Wait”. He told us how his wife loved flowers. Early in their marriage he stopped giving them to her because the money was better spent elsewhere. The sparkle in her eyes faded away.

When she was dying of cancer he started bringing her flowers again. The sparkle in her eyes shone gently through her pain. At her funeral the house and church were overflowing with flowers.

His greatest regret will always be that he had stopped bringing her flowers and then it was too late.

Like many of us, Craig gives his best at work, and then there’s not much left for the family in the evening.

A slight adjustment to your routine will allow you to easily be your best at home too.

Stop somewhere near to home – a park would be wonderful, a garden or even sitting in a parking lot would work. Take ten minutes for yourself. This is your time to collect your thoughts and regroup BEFORE you greet your family.

Walk or sit quietly. Breathe deeply, in and out, for a few minutes. Reflect on your day and let it go. Now reflect on your family and how important they are to you. Imagine walking through the door and greeting them happily, sweeping them into your arms for a warm hug.

Continue home. Walk in the door and do as you had imagined. You will have a happy and fulfilled evening rather than a tired and grumpy one. You’ll sleep better.

Your family will enjoy you at your best.

Guess what? You will enjoy your family at their best too!

Commit to taking ten minutes for yourself BEFORE you get home.

Let go of the tension. Focus on the important things in life. Remind yourself of the love you have to give. Now you are ready to greet your family.

Let me know how it goes…

Family is not an important thing. It’s everything.

Michael J. Fox

Then the weekend comes. You’re visiting friends. The snacks get passed around. Ah well, you think, as you grab a handful of crunchy, salty, tasty crisps, next week I’ll be good. Delicious! You have some more as the plate gets passed around again. And again…

What just happened?

You allowed the fact that you’ll be ‘good’ tomorrow to let you off the hook today.

You totally bought into the image of your future self being strong and self-controlled.

The problem is that this ‘good’ future self doesn’t often materialize because it constantly gets permission to indulge now.

These are things I commonly hear in my coaching room (OK, OK, let me be entirely honest – in my head too):

• I’ll go to gym 3 times next week
• I’ll complete an urgent task first thing every morning
• I’ll get up one hour earlier every day
• I’ll do my tax this week(very common one!)
• I’ll only drink one cup of coffee a day
• No more chocolates

The excuses I commonly get in my coaching room the following week include: I was too busy; I was so stressed; I didn’t even have a chance to think about it; I was too tired …. Etc. etc…

We have an eternally optimistic view of our future selves. Which is why when we’re tired or stressed or hungry or upset in the present, we readily believe that we’ll do things differently in the future.  In this present we then choose to do something that meets a current ‘need’ but sabotages our long-term goal.

One way of getting around this is to become more grounded and centred. This enables you to make more rational, as opposed to impulsive, decisions – it increases your self-awareness.

Self-awareness eradicates impulses.

Think about the last time you were highly stressed. Did you carefully consider what you should eat for lunch, bearing in mind that you want to fit comfortably into your skinny jeans? Or did you, almost unconsciously, reach for a donut as they were passed around? How often do you find yourself biting into the sugary comfort without being aware of the decision-making process that got you there.

• The higher your stress levels, the less likely you are to stick to behaviour that supports your future goal.
• The higher your stress levels, the more you give into your impulses.
• The higher your stress levels the more quickly you buy into that promise of a better future you.

My standard response to high levels of stress? Give me some chocolate.  NOW!

There are many different ways to reach inner calm. You probably have tried some yourself. I’d love to hear about what worked and what didn’t work for you.

In my experience, one of the most effective ways to become calmer and more self-aware is to meditate.

I am NOT talking about 20 minutes of controlled meditation, 3 times a day, without one distracting thought. Nope – unless you are practiced at mediation, this kind of goal will set you up for failure.

What I am saying is that 5 minutes of daily meditation has a marked effect on your levels of calm and self-awareness throughout the day.

I always believe in starting with something manageable, and building it up over time.

Here a simple and easy meditation technique that you can’t get wrong. (Except by not doing it!)

Sit still, saying ‘exhale’ and ‘inhale’ in your mind as you slowly breathe in and out. As soon as your thoughts wander, bring them back to the exhale and inhale words. After a few minutes, stop saying ‘exhale’ and ‘inhale’ to yourself. Now focus on what it feels like in your body to be breathing in and out slowly and deeply. Notice the different parts of your body and how they react to your slow breathing. If your thoughts wander, bring them back to your breathing. Do this for 5 minutes, every day.

As your confidence grows, build up the meditation time slowly, one minute at a time, to 10-15 minutes.

After you build this practice, you will feel more grounded, and your sense of inner calm will prevail for longer periods each day. Notice the effect this has on the decisions you are making throughout the day. It becomes easier to say NO to the impulsive you, and YES to your future you.

Begin today – use meditation to start saying YES to your future.

“What you have to do and the way you have to do it is incredibly simple.

Whether you are willing to do it, that’s another matter.”

Peter F. Drucker

He told us that throughout his life he said, “Why not?” whenever someone suggested something. It got him into trouble once or twice but on the whole it has successfully shaped his life. Making the most of every opportunity that came his way enriched his life.

Thinking over the past two months, I realized I had a similar philosophy.

So when my husband suggested we took our overseas family to the Olifants River for the long-weekend in December, I said, “Why not?”

When my brother suggested we come to the South Coast for Christmas, I said, “Why not?”

When a friend suggested our family joins theirs for New Year in Kenton, I said, “Why not?”

When my husband’s mate asked him to be best man at his wedding in the Philippines in the first week of Jan, we said, “Why not?” (see pic at top of post)

When we heard about the Parlotones Farewell Concert the day after we got back from the Philippines, I said, “Why not?”

When we worked out that our three kids had to be in Stellenbosch a few days later for various reasons, I thought, “Why not drive with them and help them move into their flats?”

Why not indeed?

Once I got home I felt out of sorts. Flat. Sore Body. Not myself.

Then I thought about the hours and hours I’d sat in various modes of transport. I thought about the thousands and thousands of kilometres I’d travelled in a short space of time.

I thought, “You must be mad, girl!”

I believe I may have abused my “Why not?”

However, it was fun! It was an adventure! It was crazy! We saw things we’ve never seen, we experienced things we hadn’t done before. To my huge embarrassment, I even nodded off for a few seconds in the Parlotones concert (whom I love)! Please don’t tell anyone.

Above all, we bonded with people that we love and care about. That’s what made it all worthwhile.

My stern, logical persona wagged her finger at me and told me that it’s important to have some balance in my life.

I agree. I’m back at my desk again, quietly working away the weekdays. I’m loving being back. I’m loving writing articles again. I’m loving connecting with my clients again. Perhaps my life went totally out of balance for a few weeks. That’s OK. It’s OK because now I’m back to relative normality.

“Why not” IS  a great way to live your life.

How do you live yours? Do you say “Why not?” and go for it? Or do you come up with all sorts of excuses for not doing something?

A word of caution: It’s OK to abuse your “Why not?” every now and again but don’t make a habit of it!

Thinking about the past mad weeks, I considered the the positives and negatives, the good and the bad, and the happiness and the irritations.

Will I do it again?

Why Not?

“Let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.”
? J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

It makes for fascinating reading – these desires reflect a range of human emotions – from deep pain, fear and hopelessness to ambition, hope and excitement.

There are desires for something better for other people. There are many desires reflecting career changes, desires for better relationships and financial success.

Many desires speak of the need for self-acceptance and self-improvement.

All these desires  reflect an insight into what is possible when we live and love to our fullest potential.

You know, and I know that a desire remains a desire unless we take action to achieve it.

Contemplate your deepest desire for 2013. Take some quiet time for yourself and explore this deepest desire:

 Imagine that you have achieved your deepest desire. Describe in detail how your life would be. What would it look like. What would YOU be like. How would your behaviors be different to what they are now? How would your thinking be different to now? What kind of people would you be friends with now?

Leave these answers for a day or two then look at them again.

First step towards achieving your deepest desire: Start behaving as if you had achieved your desire.  Change something about your behavior that would be in line with your deepest desire. Start today and make this the focus for your next few months. (Warning – if your deepest desire is to be rich – don’t go spending money you don’t have!!)

Some examples:

If you want a new house, make your current house as beautiful as possible. Clear out the clutter. Brighten with cushions. Re-arrange your furniture.

If you want a new job, focus on being the best you can be in your current job

If you want a new relationship, focus on loving yourself.

Of you want to be healthier, focus on saying “No thanks,  I don’t eat that”.

If you want to be happier, focus daily on what’s right and working in your life.

Here’s the second step: Get your thinking in line with living your desire. We tell ourselves stories by repeating thoughts over and over again. Look closely at the thoughts that you regularly repeat to yourself:

• I’m so irritated
• I’m so tired
• I must carry on
• Life’s unfair
• I’m useless
• I don’t deserve this
• Nothing ever works
• ETC ETC.

So you want a relationship? Make sure your self talk reflects that you are lovable, desirable and worthwhile being around.

You want a new job? Make sure your self talk supports this. Rather than thinking that you’re never going to get a job, think about your enormous potential,and how much you have to offer.

You want a new house? Rather that thinking you’ll never afford it, think about how you can afford it.

You want to be less serious about life? Rather than thinking about how hard life is, think about what you can do in our day to make it more fun.

My deepest desire for 2o13 is not to take life too seriously – to laugh and play more.

My new behavior: night time reading will be novels (instead of non-fiction books!)

My new thinking: It’s OK to have fun now.  Rather than I really should carry on working.

Of course – there’s nothing like putting it out there to solidify your commitment so leave a comment sharing your two steps… and I’ll remind you about them every now and again!

May 2013 be your best year yet.

My thought has been shaped by books;

My desires by pictures.

Mason Cooley

See if you can find yours (or add yours to the comments below). If you sent yours and I missed it, please let me know and I’ll add it on.

Sometimes putting our deepest desires out there is all it takes.

A special lady sent in this deepest desire which echoes my deepest desire for 2013 (Thanks!):

My deepest desire for 2013 is to not take life so seriously –

to laugh and play more.

Here are the others:

Hah – I would like to see myself as a motivational Financial business woman who in turn can be actively involved with the younger generation. The reason for targeting the youngsters is to empower, grow and mold them into successful individuals no matter the milestones……….(Delaine Manuel)

To work (complete training) on becoming a life coach. And to travel overseas with my hubby! And to get a new job!!!

To find a passion and figure out how to make it into a career.

Make Fig Tree Bay renowned! (at Sloane Square)

To be fit!

I’d really love a stress-free year.  No more accidents, illnesses, dramas ……….

To be able to be myself and accept myself fully.

To bring into this world a bouncing,healthy baby boy.Just 5 weeks to go before I meet this special gift in my life.

To complete my masters research with a distinction

To establish my own small business

I am so afraid of driving although I drive almost every day, but I cannot get rid of that scary feeling. Long distances is even worse.  I don’t drive long distance at all. My deepest desire for 2013 would be to drive without that scary feeling and with a bit of speed.

To be in love in 2013.

To prioritize better and do what I should. There are so many things requiring priority attention like work (and work and work), and then my personal preference for socialising over weekends also is not conducive to finishing the degree… add to that the demands of family and home and community.

My deepest desire is to start my own blog and stop delaying the process. (Alton Fortuin)

To find equilibrium within myself

To have peace of mind

To find a real job in my field and move forward with my boyfriend

To see a project that I have been busy with for the past year to be a reality.

To Finally get My license,Continue with my studies and Finally to be Happily in Love

To become financially fit

To complete my DTM (Distinguished Toast Master) and I will do so by again attending Toastmasters and presenting speeches.

To know why I am forced to put up with a certain person that I don’t like and who I do not wish to socialise with but because of the relationship I am in I am forced to do so. There must be a life lesson here somewhere

To see my DREAM physically and not only in my ViSiON

A new Job and House

My daughter’s disability miraculously disappears

A better job and a better love life, get married maybe?

I want to find meaning in life. I currently see no point in being alive despite the good things I have going for me.

To stay happy with the new man in my life and my 3 kids!

My deepest desire is for my little business to be so successful that I can focus on it full time.  Therefore my desire is to be my own boss.

To be REALLY HAPPY (not just ok)

To be working for my self

I want my 27 year old son to get onto the right path and live a decent life.

1. To ensure that my mother is well and in good spirits.
2. To ensure total, not partial, harmony and peace among mankind.
3. To see “Peace and Plenty” in the world.
4. To be spiritually, mentally and physically connected with God throughout my life.

To Live my life to the fullest, being happy and healthy!!!

To move into a new house; To climb mount Kilimanjaro; To start a side hustle in Catering on week-ends

To put myself in a better financial position by the end of 2013.

To feel the greatest joy every moment I am awake (and in my dreams too)

More peace, wisdom & discernment; deeper commitment to GOD, improve my planning and discipline, set aside more me time,  positive thoughts……

To become financially freee and independent J

That I can reunite my family members and enjoy a good old fashioned Sunday Lunch together.

To live in Mossel Bay!

Love, wealth and health. I shall then have happiness

My deepest desire is to complete the intensive course of Montessori Education which I have registered for. I have the motivation at 50 yrs, which I am highly grateful for. Being an unsupported single parent, financial circumstances and my life purpose jerked me into changing direction of career. I want to go from SURVIVING to THRIVING. (love that!!)

To have lunch with my best friend more often

To be up to date with debt payments.

I want good health, financial freedom & to be happy.

Strive to have enough and be happy with enough. Enough time, enough money, enough friends, enough food

That all my realistic goals are achieved for once .

• A stable Government
• Leaders for this country with integrity and honesty
• A nation living with no fear
• Safety and a future for SA

To move in to a new house and a new car. Change is what I really need…

In some way no matter how small to make the world a better place.

That my son will be healed from his drug addiction and be able to live a normal life and that the relationship between him and his father can be restored.

A  government who is prepared to do the right thing so I don’t need to splinter my energies deciding which country I should move to? I can then focus on continuing to build a life here…To start my own blog and stop delaying the process.

Reaching my goals in health, fitness, studying, career, and going on much-needed holiday breaks!

To clear all the clutter from my life.

Starting up a new career in the field I love the most. And not secondly, finding a partner who’s a good companion at the same time.

Sometimes our light goes out

but is blown into flame by another human being.

Each of us owes deepest thanks

to those who have rekindled this light.

Albert Schweitzer