Bear with me.
If it’s your partner’s fault that you have a terrible relationship
then if can only get better if your partner changes something
and you are powerless to do anything to improve the relationship.
So get off the blame wagon and let’s do the Perspectacles exercise:
Think about putting on a pair of brown sunglasses. At first everything you look at has a brown tinge, and after a while you get used to it, and everything looks normal.
Now imagine putting on a pair of blue sunglasses. At first everything you look at has a blue tinge, and after a while you get used to it, and everything looks normal.
Changing sunglasses (spectacles) is like changing your perspective.
Write a list of 10 things you love about your partner. If you struggle go back to the days you met and write about what you loved. Picture this person doing all these wonderful things and notice that your feelings are ‘good’ feelings. Write down the colour of the sunglasses you could be wearing when looking at your partner like this. We’ll call these the Love Spectacles.
Write a list of 10 things you hate about your partner. Picture this person doing all these irritating things and notice that your feelings are ‘bad’ feelings. Write down the colour of the sunglasses you could be wearing when looking at your partner like this. We’ll call these the Hate Spectacles.
When you put on the Love Spectacles, you experience positive feelings about your partner. You are more likely to treat your partner in a loving manner when you wear the Love Spectacles. Now your partner feels the love, and treats you in a loving manner, and so the spiral goes…
When you put on the Hate Spectacles, you experience negative feelings about your partner. You are more likely to treat your partner unkindly or badly when you wear the Hate Spectacles. Now your partner feels un-cared for, and tends to treat you in a way you don’t like, and so the spiral goes….
Who is choosing the colour spectacles you are wearing???
You are. It may be unconscious (but not after you have read this blog), and you ARE choosing.
If you are choosing which spectacles to wear – then you are choosing how you feel about your partner, how you treat your partner and ultimately you are choosing the kind of relationship that you have.
Yes, YOU play an important and powerful role in creating the kind of relationship that you have today.
You may not like it. If you defend and blame, then you can’t fix the relationship. If you understand the subtle, yet powerful role, you play in creating your relationship, then you can start making changes right now.
Before you see your partner later today, decide, consciously:
Is it going to be the Love Spectacles or the Hate Spectacles?