Where we go wrong in communicating…

Posted on 22 February 2012 by Kirsten

Jenny told her new friend, Sal, that her Dad was semi-retired. When Sal met Dad a few days later, she spoke slowly and cautiously to Dad. Sal refused an invite to go out for dinner with Jenny’s family the next day.

Dad in the meanwhile worked hard at getting the two girls settled in their new flat. A few days later, while Dad was picking up a few last things at the shops, Sal said to Jenny, “Your Dad does really well considering…”

Jenny, confused, asked “Considering what??”

Sal, eyes rolling, said “Considering that he’s semi-retarded”!!

Semi-retired. Semi-retarded. It’s easy to mis-hear words but this is the smallest issue in terms of communicating. Even though we communicate daily, hourly, and even when we’re NOT communicating, we’re not always that good at it.

Why is that? You’d think that with all the practice we get, we’d be really good at it.

Here’s why: we get bombarded by so much information that our neurology filters out most of it so that our conscious mind can work with a reasonable amount of data. Our filters are informed by our beliefs, language, values, memories and more. What happens because of these filters is that our internal picture does not exactly match the external picture (in fact, often it’s way off the external picture). We react emotionally and physically to the internal picture NOT THE EXTERNAL ONE, and then we behave according to our emotional reaction.

If you have one external event and 3 people, then you’ll also have 3 differing internal pictures. It makes sense then that communicating is difficult because we can’t see the internal picture that the other person is holding!

Assuming this is true – how do we communicate better? We have to talk about the external event, the internal picture we carry and our emotional reaction. If you tell this to the other person, they’ll be a lot closer to seeing your internal picture as it is.

When you are late coming home (external event), I feel anxious and upset (emotional state) because I see you being hijacked(internal picture). It may seem neurotic but we do live in a high crime zone (this informs the filters). Then when you walk in the door whistling, I loose my temper (behaviour).

When you talk about what is happening, the latecomer can begin to see your internal picture and a mutual understanding is developed.

This does go a long way to clearing up the communication. But there’s more….

What about when you are listening to someone else? What can you do to get a clearer picture of their internal word? Mail me with your ideas on kirsten@coach4life.co.za and I’ll share the ideas next time.

In the meanwhile – keep your communication clear!

Kirsten

 

 

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6 things cool guys would never do

Posted on 6 February 2012 by Kirsten

1. Ignore her when she walks into a room:

The scene: She’s been working late and you’re meeting at a party. You’re chatting to some friends, she walks in, and you vaguely nod at her and carry on talking to your friends.

The message she gets: She is not important.

Rather: Break off the conversation, walk to her, greet her and draw her into the circle

You get: a secure and happy woman

2. Go on and on about how Valentine ’s Day is a commercial racket.

The scene: Valentine ’s Day is coming up. You feel irritated because of the pressure and the build-up. You really don’t believe in it. At every opportunity you rant and rave about how you think Valentine ’s Day is a waste of time.

The message she gets: You’re not going to be acknowledging her on the day, and if you do so it’s half-hearted and you don’t mean it.

Rather: Stop ranting about it – it’s not going to go away. Man up and do your thing on the day OR explain to her that you don’t need a special day to acknowledge her and that you would rather do something special with her on a regular basis. Of course if you don’t follow up as promised, you’re toast…so be VERY, VERY sure about this route.

You get: A woman who feels loved and cherished.

3. Roll your eyes in contempt when she’s telling a story.

The scene: You’re at a dinner party and she’s telling a story about a mistake she make at the office. You roll your eyes, muttering under your breath.

The message she gets: You are nasty, you don’t respect her and you don’t support her.

Rather: Shut up and support her. Find something affirming to say. Remember, contempt is a relationship-killer.

You get: A woman who feels supported and respected.

4. Say something really nasty to her, then follow up with “I was only teasing”

The scene: You’re at a braai with friends and you comment about what a useless cook she is. Everyone laughs. You see she’s upset and you say “Come on Babe, I was only teasing”.

The message she gets: You’re dissing her, and laughing at her expense.

Rather: Remember that wise old adage – if you can’t say something nice, don’t say it. Understand that saying you were only teasing does not take away the hurt or make the remark go away. You may think that saying you were only teasing is a license to get away with cruel remarks – it’s not and it makes the remark cut deeper. Rather say nothing. And get rid of this bad habit.

You get: A happy afternoon spent with friends.

5. Refuse to cook a meal because it’s a woman’s job

The scene: She’s been at her parents all day dealing with a family emergency. She walks in late afternoon. You’re on the couch watching TV and as she walks in the door you ask what’s for dinner.

The message she gets: You don’t care and you only think of yourself.

 Rather: Jump up, give her a hug and tell her to relax because you made (or even organised) dinner.

You get: a woman who knows she’s thought about and cared for.

6. Lie to her so that you can spend a night with your friends.

The scene: You mate wants to go for drinks. You don’t want a scene so you tell her that you’re working late. You come home late and drunk.

The message she gets: You can’t be trusted.

Rather: Tell the truth

You get: Someone who knows where she stands.

Have you noticed that ,in every case, changing your behaviour gets you get a happy woman? If you’re asking but what’s in this for you, then maybe you don’t understand women at all…..

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Your language, your reality.

Posted on 9 January 2012 by Kirsten

I met a man when I was young. Although our relationship didn’t last there was something he gave me that could never be taken away.

He gave me a brand new, sparkling reality that I had never experienced before.

Allow me to explain.

It was a crisp, winter’s morning. We left home while it was dark. The coffee and rusks were ready and our favourite music played quietly as we set off on our holiday to the Kruger National Park.

I had been to Kruger quite a few times with my parents so I knew what to expect. But what this man had that my parents didn’t have was a thorough knowledge of ornithology. That word was not even in my vocabulary!

If it’s not in your vocabulary, then it doesn’t exist for you!

As we entered the park, I felt the sense of excitement and anticipation. Beer and biltong is a must when you enter the park so we purchased those first. With our seat belts off, the sense of freedom made us feel slightly giddy (or was that the beer?). We got the binoculars and books out so that we were ready to identify whatever we happened to see. We chose to drive along a small, dusty road towards our camp.

Suddenly he stopped the car.

“Look! Look….”

I looked into the bush but couldn’t see anything. Why is he so excited I wondered as I shot him a questioning look.

He pushed the binos into my hands, whispering, “Look through here”.

As I looked through the binos a new world rushed at me. The little bird took my breath away – red bill and eye-ring, violet cheeks, russet body and a shimmery, blue back.

“It’s a violet-eared waxbill.”

How come I never seen this bird before?

The rest of the holiday was filled with new sightings for me – and a whole new language.

Suddenly I was seeing more in the bush than I’d ever seen before. How fascinating !

Before this man came into my life, birds existed, but not in my reality. I had limited language to describe this aspect of the bush - there’s a  big bird, a small one, a brown one, a white one.

My new language included ornithology, seed-eaters, waders, wattles, raptors, vents – I could go on and on….

Once I learnt the new language, a whole new reality opened up for me. A world that didn’t exist for me before, was now apparent. Without the language, this world was unable to come into being for me,  even though it existed.

Language creates reality. How fascinating is that?

What does this mean for you and me?

The language we use to describe things creates the meaning we have of those things.

In those days a bush holiday meant relaxing and looking for animals – hopefully lions, elephants, rhinos, buffalos and leapards. Now a bush holiday means those things and much, much more.

If you want to change your reality about something, look at the language you are using to descibe it. Change the language so that it brings a different meaning.

A client of mine was having difficulty with a colleague at work. He viewed their meetings as a battle and he went in there covered in armour ready to fight and defend. Once he changed his perspective of the meeting to one where it was a challenge and an opportunity to practice his negotiation skills, the meetings went more smoothly.

You create meaning with your language. Look at areas of your life that are not working that well. What different language can you use to describe the situation or the person? What difference will it make to how you experience the situation or person?

Experiment with the words you use to describe people. Make them stronger or weaker. How does this affect your interactions.

How can you use this technique to get more out of your life?

 

 

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Nook tablets, Kindle fires, Androids and insecurities

Posted on 21 November 2011 by Kirsten

Breaking news: Android/ Kindle fire/ Nook tablet – the latest and the greatest! New Technologies announced daily. What an exciting world we live in. How we have evolved!

Or should I say: How technology has evolved!

What about us? Have we evolved in leaps and bounds?

Time and time and time again, I sit in my coaching room, listening to gorgeous, smart and switched on young woman, who sadly speak of their insecurities and lack of confidence. What’s going on here? How is it that stunning women like this are suffering from insecurities and lack of self-esteem? How come they’re feeling depressed and anxious? They sit there telling me that all they want is to feel more confident.

We are surrounded by self-help everything. Books, blogs, and blurbs are everywhere:

  • You can create your own reality!
  • You can overcome!
  • You can have whatever you want!
  • Confidence is easy.
  • Visualize daily!
  • And more..

We’re bombarded with messages of promise and possibility. And yet, many of us feel bad every day. Many of us feel overwhelmed, like we can’t cope. We lack self-confidence  and don’t feel worthy. The knowledge is out there – everywhere – and yet we are battling to integrate it.

What’s going on? What are we missing?

From my experience working in the one-on-one space with clients, I believe the answer boils down to action.

No action – no change.

It’s so easy to read a self-help book and marvel at how useful it was, but if you don’t take some sort of action based on what you have read, nothing will change. One of the reasons coaching is so powerful, is because the client takes action – even picking up the phone to make an appointment starts the change flow. The clients who experience change are the ones who go away and DO their weekly coaching assignments – be it journaling, self- observation, record-keeping or a practice of some sort. Strange though it may sound, taking action builds confidence too…

Yes, it’s may be important to spend time choosing between the Android, Kindle fire or Nook tablet, BUT its way more important to spend time on your own evolution!

What action will you take today?

 

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Two more thoughts for you…

Posted on 2 November 2011 by Kirsten

You and I have thoughts in our heads all day long – a constant, chattering stream of  thoughts. There are two distinct kinds of thoughts in our heads. The first one is random thoughts. These thoughts pop into your head, seemingly of their own accord. Think about when you are alone moving through the traffic. Your head will visit the most amazing places, jumping from one idea or scenario to the next, often without any obvious logic.

The second types of thought are the ones you purposely put into your head. You are quite capable of deciding what you are going to think about, and then think about it. When you are problem solving, or thinking about what to cook this evening or creating something you are purposely thinking those thoughts. When you are concentrating on something you are guiding your thoughts to focus on a particular topic.

Your ability to have these two different kinds of thoughts can be used to your advantage. When you allow yourself to think randomly and unchecked, you will often come up with amazing ideas (which you should immediately make a note of!) and possibilities.

There is also a danger to random thoughts – sometimes your thoughts can go down negative and destructive paths – you might, like me, imagine situations when you are hurt, or attacked or loose someone close. As soon as you become aware that you are indulging in these kinds of random thoughts, STOP. I say to myself, “Enough of that!” Now focus your thoughts on something more constructive. It’s not a good idea to wallow in destructive thoughts because you will feel bad and your posture and behaviours will be affected negatively. Of course, thinking random and creative thoughts of possibility also affect your emotions, posture and behaviour, but in a positive way. Allow and use your ability to think random thoughts – as long as it’s constructive, you will find a wealth of creative idea in this pastime.

Thoughts on purpose are hugely powerful. Some of the ways these kinds of thinking expresses itself is in problem solving, creative idea generating and visualising. It is a wonderful skill to develop. You have already used it many times in your life, like answering emails for instance. But are you using it so that you can harness its great power?

One way of doing this is to visualize for 4-5 minutes at the start of every day. Run a movie through your mind of the exciting, compelling future that you are working toward. Bring in all the senses and above all, feel the excitement of living that dream. The power of daily visualizing results in you taking action in the direction of your dreams.

Thoughts occur before anything in your life is manifested. Use them wisely. Random thoughts bring creative ideas. Purposeful thoughts put those ideas into action. Think, create and experience your best life!

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How I upped my motivation levels…

Posted on 5 October 2011 by Kirsten

People used to be impressed when I said I was a Computer Studies teacher – of final year school students. “You must be bright”; “That must be hard”; “phew you’re brave” – they would say to me. To be honest, I did OK at the job – many students got distinctions in their final year of school.

But I wasn’t that happy or that motivated. Years down the line I finally figured out what as going on (OK…. so maybe I’m actually a bit slow!). Hindsight often gives us insight!

I was doing research for my book “Magic Motivation – from stuck to success in days” when I came across the motivation triangle.  Quite a few people have packaged this concept so I’m not sure who originally came up with the idea. What it says is this: there are three important aspects to being motivated – resources (your skills, knowledge, tools, people available to achieve the goal etc), the goal itself and your personal values.

If you have the resources to achieve the goal, this helps you to be motivated. If you have a compelling goal, this helps you to be motivated. If the goal is aligned with your personal values, this helps you to be motivated. If you have all 3 – motivation is in the bag, and  you’ll magically achieve the goal.

When I was a school teacher, I certainly had the resources. I knew what I was doing. I had  state of the art computer equipment and the students had the necessary brains. The goal  was compelling – get as many distinctions as possible. I wanted the distinctions so I looked good in start-of-year staff meeting; the students wanted them so that they were accepted into the relevant universities, and the parents …. Well they demanded them because they were paying the school fees!

So why did I often feel unmotivated – because teaching was not congruent with my value of freedom. Wanted to go on a business trip with my husband – I couldn’t. Wanted to attend a breakfast addressed by my favourite author – I couldn’t. Wanted to go and stay with my Gran when she was very ill – I couldn’t. Teach kids who bunked school the day before instead of watching my kids play sport – absolutely!

Becoming a Life Coach has given me the freedom I desire. Not total freedom – because I also hold a high value on professionalism and so I give my clients plenty of notice when I am unable to make a session. However, my work as a coach is congruent with both those values. The outcome is that my motivation levels are way higher than they ever were as a teacher. I wake up every day full of enthusiasm and energy for the work I do.

That’s the magic of motivation!

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In the heat of the moment..

Posted on 23 August 2011 by Kirsten

Richard Branson’s £60m paradise home has burned to the ground.  That’s scary!

All 20 occupants survived. That’s wonderful!

A genuine heroine emerged. That’s Kate!

When you’re highly motivated, anything is possible. Surrounded by explosions and flames, Kate Winslet realised Richard Branson’s 90 year old mother was moving too slowly. So she swept her up in her arms and ran with her to safety.

I can’t help wondering if, under normal circumstances, Kate would be able to pick his mother up and run? Probably not, but then….

That’s the Magic of Motivation!

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Motivation Magic

Posted on 10 August 2011 by Kirsten

I looked out the window, feeling the sigh in my soul. It was a Saturday morning, and a gorgeous spring day. It’s the smell of spring that I love and I feel drawn to be outdoors. But this day I was chained to my desk, like a prisoner without hope. Piles of marking lay before me, deadlines loomed, wasted days. I felt the sigh in my soul again. Do I really want to carry on teaching? Is this really what my life has to be about?

One year later, I looked out the window, feeling the smile in my soul. It was a Saturday morning and a gorgeous spring day. It’s the smell of spring that I love and I feel drawn to be outdoors. But this day I choose to be at my desk, my soul filled with the excitement of possibility. Piles of books and assignments lay before me, deadlines loomed, contented days. I was studying to become a Life Coach, and was working my notice period at school.  I felt the smile in my soul again. My life feels fulfilled.

That’s the magic of motivation!

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Good habits, bad habits – how to loose or create a habit

Posted on 25 November 2010 by Kirsten

“Good habits are hard to develop but easy to live with” and “Bad habits are easy to develop but hard to live with”, according to Brian Tracey, a well-known motivational teacher.

The first step in breaking a bad habit is to be aware that the particular behavior you are exhibiting is detrimental to your life in some way. Secondly, you have to decide to make a change. Think about what new behaviors you’ll encourage in the place of the old one. For example – you feel overwhelmed with the amount of work you have and discover that email is taking up many hours of your day.  You may decide you want to spend less time on your email – but the first thing you do every morning is open your email and loose an hour or two of your time. You decide to change the structure of your day. You spend the first two hours of the day (email and cell off) and focus on an important task that will make a big difference. Then you look at mail – limiting your time to half an hour. After a week you discover that you have achieved an enormous amount. This way of working is worth turning into a habit…

How do you do that? There are three elements to creating a new pattern – awareness, intention and repetition. Create an awareness of how you are doing each day. At the end of the day take time to ask yourself, “Did I spend two hours working uninterrupted on an important task?” Keep a record of the number of YES days and NO days. Start each day reminding yourself of your intention to be more productive and that a solid two hours of uninterrupted work makes a huge difference. Repeat, repeat, repeat. If you slip up for a day of two – don’t beat yourself up – rather acknowledge your humanness and then get back in line the next day. If you decide you can’t do this, and you’re useless, you’ll give up and you’ll remain stuck. If you keep going back to the more beneficial behavior, you WILL WIN.

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Be your best

Posted on 13 October 2010 by Kirsten

It’s been said that the best thing you can do for your intimate other is to be your very best. Makes sense… BUT sometimes it’s just so hard. It’s the things that go on in your head that often mess up the way things are. I’m finding that, at the moment, my head space is irritable and slighty negative, and this does affect how I see my world. Question is, how do I change my head space?

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